Definitely Pr0n
by labonsoirfemme
Summary: Keigo and Mizuiro lead Ichigo down the path to manhood. IchiRuki. Written as a request for Overtoned. No Playboy magazines were harmed during the making of this fic.


**Title: **Definitely Pr0n

**Author: **Ancha289

**Rating: **M

**Summary: **Keigo and Mizuiro lead Ichigo down the path of manhood.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any of the publications mentioned within this work.

**Authoress's Notes:** For Overtoned on livejournal, who requested a sequel for her IRAF entry, notpr0n (Otherwise Known As The Fic "Where Rukia Reads Pr0n and Ichigo Finds It".

Definitely a crackfic with no plot whatsoever and not beta-ed in the slightest. O.o Be afraid.

**Warnings:** Language, sexual themes.

**Pairings: **IchiRuki

**----**

The raucous laughter of his friends grated on Ichigo's nerves. For fuck's sake, their finals were in a week and what were Keigo and Mizuiro doing? Perusing the most recent publications of Shuukan Playboy and other questionable material, of course. Ever since coming of age, Keigo called himself a "connoisseur." Ichigo called him a pervert.

"Look at the rack on that girl!" Mizuiro crowed. Keigo moued in disagreement.

"Too old for me," the boy flipped a page. "I like 'em young and _youknow_ ...with a little bounce." Oil practically oozed out of Keigo's pores.

Sighing heavily, Ichigo reread the problem in his workbook. _A worker pushes a 50.0 kg cylinder up a frictionless incline of 3 meters, as shown in the diagram below...Dammit._

"That is one fine lookin' set of curves."

Ichigo attempted to turn the wall above his desk into a pile of ash using only his eyes and the power of his aggravation. "Y'know," he snarled, looking over his shoulder, "if you aren't gonna study you can get out."

"Who _wants_ to study, Ichigoooo?" Keigo crooned. The slacker plucked a crisp magazine from his stack and waved it in what he believed to be an enticing manner. "The girls are calling to you, Ichigooooo!" A curvaceous brunette seductively licked her lip and winked at Ichigo. He flushed and kept his eyes above her (very naked) shoulders.

"Put that crap away!"

"Just one liiiiiitle peek!"

"Hell. No!"

The brunette came flying across the small room and landed cleanly on his desk. Ichigo flew out of his chair, simultaneously swiping the glossy magazine off the virgin surface. The girl hit the wall face first and fell in a crumpled heap amongst his other school books. "What the hell!" he yelled.

"That was 1,400 yen!"

"Don't waste your damn money!" The poor boy looked as though he was about to experience an honest-to-god panic attack; his chest heaved and he gripped the doorjamb of the closet as though it would keep him upright.

Keigo and Mizuiro locked eyes knowingly. "Ichigo, if you wanted to read it privately, you should have just told us," the black-haired boy mentioned diplomatically. "We understand that you are...less experienced than Keigo and myself." Ichigo sputtered in contradiction while his friends quickly gathered their magazines and made a hasty exit.

Ichigo followed them down the stairs. "You guys...no. That's not what I meant at all!"

Keigo turned misty eyes to him from the foyer. "Oh, Ichigo! There's nothing to be ashamed about! Pornography is merely the beautiful expression of female sexuality for the benefit of us: the young, virile men of the world! I am so happy to have assisted in your arrival to manhood; with no older brother to bring you up in the ways of men, you must have been so lost! Mizuiro and I have set you on the right path—I will call you later and we will discuss your reaction and emotions for your experience!"

The door slammed. Ichigo couldn't breathe.

"What," a stunned voice started from the kitched, "was that?" He slowly turned to see Karin staring at him, a soccer ball stuck under one arm. Yuzu's spoon was frozen over a pot that looked dangerously close to boiling over and Isshin gazed at him with starry eyes and clasped hands.

"Masaki!" He sobbed happily, rushing over to the poster of his late wife. "Our son is becoming a man! He will soon honor the Kurosaki name by fathering a large brood of beautiful daughters and strong sons!"

"Oh my God," Ichigo choked out before he sprinted back up the stairs. He threw himself out the window and onto the roof. Gasping for breath, he lay back and covered his face with his hands. "Oh my God," he repeated. Sitting up, he peered over the edge of the roof and wondered if falling the two stories would succeed in killing him. He quickly nixed that thought as soon as he realized that his entire family and most of his friends would still be able to see him before he went to Soul Society and was chased around by the battle-thirsty Kenpachi for the rest of eternity.

So he sat and waited, hoping that his family would find another crisis so he could pretend none of this ever happened. He would talk to Rukia about borrowing her memory modifier and making a surprise visit to Keigo and Mizuiro's houses.

----

"I'm home!" Rukia sing-songed as she entered the Kurosaki household. From the stove, Yuzu beamed at her and asked about her day. Isshin suddenly appeared in front of her and gripped her shoulders, bending down to tearfully smile in her face.

"Rukia-chan, Daddy knew he was right in adopting you as his third daughter!"

"Wha..." Rukia blinked as Isshin pulled himself up to his full height.

"Daddy approves!" Ichigo's father exclaimed. Behind him Karin glowered mutinously.

Rukia frantically wondered what in the name of all that was good was going on, and for God's sake, where was Ichigo because he needed to get his family under control. Making her excuses, she fled up the stairs to the room of the boy in question. Damn. Empty.

Disappointed, and still thoroughly confused, she spotted his English textbook in a stack with his other school books. Remembering that she needed to work on an assignment before she began reviewing for the finals, she moved across the room and reached for it.

A glossy magazine, crumpled and shoved behind his school things, caught her eye.

_What in the..._

----

Up on the roof, Ichigo felt Rukia's spirit force enter the house—resulting in a spike in the spirit force of his father—and then move into his room. She lingered there, and he grudgingly stood. He supposed she needed him for something if she was just_ waiting around_ in his room. Swinging down, he landed easily just inside his window.

"Hey," he sighed, crossing his arms. "You want—"

_Ohshitfuckdamnhellsonofabitch._

The slight girl turned around and flipped the magazine's centerfold to face Ichigo, her fingers delicately holding the halves open as though the publication was a dirty, smelly sock. His eyes froze on the image of the very busty, very nude brunette seated on a stool in what resembled a European-styled boudoir.

"Uh," he intelligently offered as an excuse.

"Interesting reading material," the shinigami stated blandly, turning the magazine so that she could examine it further. "Didn't know _this_ was part of the curriculum at Karakura High. I must have missed this part of the syllabus."

"Well," Ichigo continued, thoroughly outlining his position in the situation.

Rukia flipped the page and raised an eyebrow at the new image. "Hm. That's different."

"Rukia...I can explain."

"Oh, please continue. You were doing such a good job before, Ichigo." He watched, terrorized, as her thin fingers turned yet another page. "What about this one?" Her face carefully blank, she opened the magazine to face him. This time, a woman was doing...well, since i it /i was in her mouth and her partner seemed pretty happy, he could assume what she was doing but couldn't definitively tell.

"Keigo and Mizuiro came over to—"

"Does it look like this," Rukia interrupted him, a small smirk on her face, "when I do this to you?" Ichigo coughed as she turned the magazine to examine the picture again, bringing it closer to her face. "I mean, you've never been standing, but I guess it must look similar. Have you ever noticed, Ichigo?"

She lowered the magazine from her face, and Ichigo nearly cried with relief to see that the sadistic smirk had changed into a playful smile. He rubbed his cheek with his palm and answered, "I dunno. It's not like I'm paying attention to what we _look_ like."

In a flash she presented him with another image. He flushed slightly as she exclaimed that they hadn't tried_ that_ yet. "Gimme that," he growled, snatching it from her and tossing it over his shoulder.

"Hey!"

"C'mere."

"Ichigo! No! Don't rip that!"

----

"Ichigooooo!" Isshin bellowed up the stairs. "Telephone!"

Grumbling, Ichigo lifted the receiver next to his bed. "Hello?" He sighed, falling back against the pillows.

"Ichigo! 'Tis me, Keigo! I'm calling to check in...you know, to see how things went," Keigo crooned over the phone. Rolling his eyes, Ichigo tugged the sheets back up to his chest.

"Everything's fine," he finally muttered.

"And that's definitely your thing, right?" Keigo asked, very concerned. "Do I need to find you something with more boys in it?"

"Dammit, no! It was fucking fine!"

"Oh, Ichigo, still so distant from your feelings. How do you ever expect to have your way with a woman if you do not accept certain aspects of your sexuality?"

"Have my way...?"

"I shall be there on that day, Ichigo! But not yet; your time to complete your training has not come. We must take baby steps, tiny little baby steps."

"You're delusional. I'm hanging up." Ichigo slammed the phone down and tossed his arm over his eyes.

"Who was it?" Rukia murmured sleepily.

"It was stupid Keigo and his damn ideas. Don't worry about it," he stated, rolling over and briskly running his hand down her spine.

"Mm. You should get those magazines more often," she replied, opening on eye to look at him. "They're inspiring, at the very least."

"Shut up and go to sleep."

----

End!

Please comment and let me know if there are any mistakes/errors.


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